Jack Handy Praises the Human Body

You Are Here:

Home >> Fitness and Bodywork >> In Praise of the Human Body

Today's Question
Is it OK to workout when I'm sore? answer

How can I better avoid ankle sprains? answer

Today's Question
Is one multivitamin a day enough? answer

Why do I keep hearing now that soy is bad for me? answer

Online Favorites

Special Issues

Photo Galleries

Outside Magazine, May 2005

Fitness Special
In Praise of the Human Body
Got the whole make-fitness-fun thing? Now let's talk about that mortal coil of yours. You think you know it, but you don't know Jack.

By Jack Handey

When you think of the most amazing machine in the world, what do you think of? James Bond's car, right? But recently I had a thought that may surprise you, and even startle you: The most amazing machine in the world is the human body. That's right, the human body.

But how, you say, can the human body be a machine? It doesn't have a central pump, or rotating joints, or interlocking teeth. But think again—doesn't it?

And what other machine can run down a roadway at .05 miles per hour, or climb up a sheer cliff at .00001 miles per hour, or travel down a sheer cliff at 600 miles per hour?

Not only is the human body the greatest machine, but the greatest oil for a machine is any oil that goes on the human body. I'm not sure about sex oils, but Oil of Olay, Pond's Cold Cream, oils such as these are the most beautiful of oils.

The most magnificent warranty on a machine would be some type of warranty on a human body, which I guess would be a life insurance policy, something like that.

The greatest hood ornament for a machine is one of those mirror things a doctor wears on his head.

Play's the Thing

The power of fun is the strongest weapon in your fitness arsenal-and you need more of it. With help from our favorite athletes and coaches, we've built a game-laden plan that turns staying in shape into kid stuff.

For me, the greatest work of art in the world is also the human body. I'm not talking about an old body or an ugly one. I mean a really hot, sexy body. Man, to me, that's great art. And the greatest way to view the art is by hiding in the bushes, and hoping the art doesn't see you.

The greatest temple in the world is, let's face it, the Parthenon. But if the Parthenon gets any more eroded, I think I'm going to have to say the human body.

What's the most perfect musical instrument? I would argue it's the human body, except for the tuba sounds.

The greatest engineering miracle of all time is, OK, Hoover Dam. But what else can hold back water and release it gradually, to prevent flooding? And what else can generate "electricity," maybe by getting up and doing its funny cowboy dance? Isn't it the human body?

The greatest thing that can be sewn together from different parts and then brought back to life with electricity is the human body.

The most precious gift one human can give another, I believe, is the gift of a third human, such as a prostitute or stripper, for a birthday or something.

The fiercest battleground in the world is the human body. But the battle is fought on a microscopic level, which makes it the most boring battleground.

The greatest envy of the chimpanzee is the human body, especially the roller-skating human body.

The greatest cannibal meal in the world is, surprisingly, strawberry shortcake.

The greatest evidence of a murder is the human body.

The most difficult thing to defeat is the human spirit. But since it's invisible, who cares?

The best friend you can have is the human body, unless it's dead and it's chasing you.

The greatest medicine in the world is human laughter. And the worst medicine is zombie laughter.

The greatest mystery in the world is the human heart, but only while it's in the human body. Otherwise, where's the mystery?

The most amazing computer ever made is the human brain. And the best way to shut down the human brain is have it listen to my so-called friend Don.

The greatest camera is the human eye, but a worse camera is the drunk human eye. And a really bad camera is the drunk eye that has been punched by the human fist.

I'm not sure what the greatest weapon in the world is, but one of the worst weapons is one of those bowls in bars that holds peanuts, because when you throw it at a guy it just makes him madder.

In general, though, I would say the human body or its parts or the things that come out of it are the best in their categories. And even after it dies the human body has one more trick up its sleeve: It turns into the scariest skeleton in the world.

JACK HANDEY created "Deep Thoughts" for Saturday Night Live. His most recent book is Fuzzy Memories }(Andrews McMeel).

• Subscribe to Outside and get a FREE Gift!

• Give the gift of Outside Magazine!

• Subscribe to Outside Online's free weekly e-mail newsletter featuring gear reviews, fitness advice, galleries, podcasts, and more.

TODAY'S NEWS UPDATE!
Update from U.N. Climate Talks in ...
The United Nations is in the midst of a 12-day conference on climate in Poznan, Poland featuring...